11182017Headline:

The Top Ten Reasons To Love Beer

"Mmm, is that your beer?" Back off, kids.

“Mmm, is that your beer?” Back off, kids.

I suppose, today, I could wax eloquently, and pretend we didn’t put every last effort into potty training this weekend, subsequently draining our will to live, but let’s just jump into the list instead….

Beer

1.) If you put underwear on beer, it won’t pee on the floor.

2.) Beer loves a good game of Guess Who? Like when I sneak to the cooler in the liquor store, press my lips to the glass door and whisper, “Guess who’s coming home with me?”

3.) A dangerous misconception, some people think beer comes in travel size because they’re supposed to take it with them while they drive. No, beer is compact so it can easily be moved from the kitchen, to the shower, to bed, without the drag of pulling a liter of vodka behind oneself.

4.) Beer tells me I’m pretty. It will tell you that you’re pretty. It will tell all of us we are pretty.

5.) “Milk” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “beer.” Unless you just milked a drunk cow, then I’m interested.

6.) I like variety in my life: Singles, six pack, twelve pack, keg, it’s like beer woke up one morning and said, “I can be all things for all people with various sizes of refrigerators and emotional needs.”

7.) Beer is cheap. Making your own meth is dangerous and not so cheap ….especially if you accidentally blow your house up.

8.)Water doesn’t make me want to do The Electric Slide, in my pajamas, after 10pm. I don’t even like water.

9.) The house seems cleaner when I’m drinking beer.

10.) Beer didn’t help me write this list. But, it would’ve if I’d asked.

*Gin was not offended in the making of this list. Gin understands it’s saved for times when I’ve showered and convinced myself I’m classy, intellectual and should be smoking cigarettes out of obscenely long cigarette holders.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.

She also hides out on Twitter and Facebook.


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